General Election results analysis by the Wapping Squirrels

Editors note: In times of chaos and confusion, when the world really is upside down, we alway rely on the wisdom of the Wapping Squirrels. LW was allowed to attend a Squirrel Meeting earlier today in one of their more luxurious nests.

We first asked Thin Tail, current King of the Wapping Squirrels, for his reaction to the General Election results and some insight.

“Well the first thing I should point out is that this is all nuts,” said Thin Tail. “We really don’t understand how the people that lost – those ones with the nice chewy red leaflets – are all happy and smiling and giving us nuts, while the ones who one with the rather dry and stale blue leaflets who won are all upset. No nuts from them!”

Where are our nuts?

This observation was met with squeaks of agreement from the rest of the Wapping Squirrels in the nest, although some were only interested in trying to remember where they had buried the nuts they had been given.

Determined squirrel after nuts
Some squirrels will do anything to remain in control of the nuts

Grey Paws, often the most astute observer of national politics and of course national nuts, wagged his lovely bushy tail from side to side as he prepared to speak.

“I think maybe there is something wrong with that Mrs May human person lady. I read in The Times that she had been crying the night of the result at Conservative HQ. I thought at first this might be because she had forgotten where she had buried her nuts but this doesn’t seem likely.”

“Why is that?” asked Brown Paws.

“Because she is not a squirrel,” replied Grey Paws. “Well, I don’t think she is. Only squirrels realise that nuts are the most important things in life by a wide margin. Politics is just plain silly compared to a nice juicy nut!”

None of the squirrels spoke for quite some time as they were all thinking about their favourite juicy nuts. And where they might have buried them.

Upside down observations

"I can eat nuts hanging upside down on a tree all day!"
“I can eat nuts hanging upside down on a tree all day!”

One of the youngest squirrels, who had yet to be given his proper squirrel name due to a surfeit of nut feasts in Wapping and so was known as Young Female Squirrel With No Name Who Has Not Been Named for short, was hanging from the roof of the nest by her back paws, simply because she could and she thought it was cool.

She hesitantly raised (or lowered) a paw to ask to speak.

“Might I just ask if this May lady human person is so upset why did she have an election? Did someone force her to have one? Had she been naughty so she had to have one?”

The Wapping Squirrels nest shook for quite some time as they all laughed at this immature question, only stopping mid-laugh for some nut fuel.

“You are just soooooo funny Young Female Squirrel With No Name! I don’t think you will be joining our debating society any time soon,” shouted an old and grizzled squirrel, called Fresh Face for some reason that was lost in the mists of squirrel time. “She wanted to have an election because she wanted her and her other friends to be stronger.”

Almond Croissants and the DUP

Young Female Squirrel With No Name blushed, although none of the other squirrels noticed because of the whole fur thing. Few of the squirrels could see the point of them being able to blush and assumed it was down to some odd genetic trait. Like calling elections for no sensible reason.

“OK then so we don’t know why the winners are sad and the losers are happy, but who or what is this nasty DUP thing going around? Can squirrels get it?” said a squirrel from the back of the nest near the Nut-O-Meter.

Thin Tail paused before replying.

Thin Tail, Nut Health & Wellbeing
Thin Tail

“Well the latest analysis we have is that this DUP thing, which could be a nasty squirrel or a rotten tree, is very unpleasant indeed and is more trouble than it’s worth.

Sort of like that mouldy almond croissant we had for lunch last Tuesday.”

All the squirrels grimaced at the thought. The almond croissant was really bad and had caused numerous cases of extreme squirrel pooping to the detriment of humans walking under the trees without paying the proper Nut Tax.

If the DUP was worse than a dodgy almond croissant everyone was in trouble. Squirrel poop would be raining down across the whole United Kingdom. Gallons of the stuff.

Thin Tail was alarmed and gave Squirrel Orders to the Squirrels. “Well whatever this DUP is it sounds nasty and best avoided. Get some ‘No DUP Squirrels Here Thanks’ signs sorted and post them round Wapping would you please?”

The three squirrels on sign painting duties left the nest and starting looking for their paint brushes and signs.

 Squirrel poop tsunami

All the other squirrels were getting peckish as it had been at least 10 or maybe 12 minutes since they had last enjoyed a nut feast.

Grey Paws decided to bring the election analysis meeting to and end.

Current state of the Conservative Party

“Well all I can say is this dear friends. As you know on Thursday I correctly predicted a hung parliament, although I did think at the time it was something to do with trees, branches and squirrels showing off.”

There was polite round of applause from the other squirrels. Emboldened by this Grey Paws squeaked to clear his throat, took a sip of the finest nut tea and continued.

“So my latest political predictions are this.

Firstly the blue leaflet people will not like the taste of DUP almond croissant thingy and there could be a squirrel poop tsunami everywhere.

Secondly that May lady will not be Prime Minister for more than a few more weeks.

And thirdly those silly humans will have another election by Annual Nut Roasting Championships time, or, as the humans call it, Christmas.”

Huge cheering and nut tapping met Grey Paws predictions, but this was only because of the mention of the Annual Nut Roasting Championships, not the accuracy of his predictions. Who cared? They were squirrels.

As the squirrels began to consider in which direction to head was best to find choice Wapping nuts a very sorry looking squirrel from the new nests in The  Third Big Tree Near The Small Thin Tree climbed in.

His fur was covered in dust and broken twigs. Incapable of speech he twitched his rather limp tail to tell his story instead using Squirrel Semaphore.

Nest failure! 

Crashed to ground. 

Nuts all over the place. 

Dodgy nest builder I think!

All the squirrels wagged their tails in sympathy. Only one stood up and said what the others were all thinking.

“But you silly squirrel, how could that have happened when you said your nest was strong and stable!”

The squirrels laughed so hard and loud they too nearly fell out of their nest.

They were still laughing when Her Majesty the Queen rang to ask them to form a new Government.


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