Community news and investigative journalism for Wapping E1W and Tower Hamlets London

Child zombie fountain splashing horror at 21 Wapping Lane

By on August 18, 2016 in News

Run! Run for the hills! Breaking news that children have been splashing in the fountains outside 21 Wapping Lane! Worse – they are in the podium area! THE PODIUM AREA!

Hang on. What’s a podium area?

Anyway one of the Wapping Mole’s special correspondents, Brigadier-General Sir Arthur ‘Thumper” Knock-Once-If-Alive (Retd.) has given us a first hand account of the horrors happening just up the road.

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Child zombie fountain splashing horror at 21 Wapping Lane (Artists impression)

“Well I remember a similar situation like this in the Sudan – or was it Clacton? – , child zombies splashing in fountains willy-nilly – but never NEVER in the podium!” roared Brigadier-General Sir Arthur ‘Thumper” Knock-Once-If-Alive (Retd.) from his flat in 21 Wapping Lane.

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Brigadier-General Sir Arthur ‘Thumper” Knock-Once-If-Alive (Retd.)

“They are obviously child zombies and this is undoubtedly an apocalypse type situation because these child zombies – many of them blind to boot mind you – have been running around!

RUNNING! RUNNING! AROUND!

Damn cheek! When I was a lad we were lucky to get a spanking on a Sunday morning before church with a stiff wire brush. Never caught us running. Apart from that incident at Dunkirk of course.”

Brigadier-General Sir Arthur ‘Thumper” Knock-Once-If-Alive (Retd.) sent us the notice below from Notting Hill Housing Trust pointing out that the podium area is “not a play ground rather for peaceful relaxation ensuring others are not disturbed.”

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(Odd. LW always thought it was just somewhere for 21 Wapping Lane delivery vehicles to not park because of the posh bollards.)

It seems that the child zombie killer children’s health is at risk because of the “high levels of chemicals in the water”. Odd that these fountains in the podium are filled with toxic water. Probably vast quantities of hydrogen and twice the amount oxygen. Or is it the other way round?

The Voice of Reason

Here’s more from Brigadier-General Sir Arthur ‘Thumper” Knock-Once-If-Alive (Retd.), or as we call him in the LW editorial office ‘The Voice of Reason’.

“And another thing! As everyone bloody knows – not that it is any of their business – half the flats in 21 Wapping Lane (well, the posh bit) are empty. I know because I bought ten of them off plan! OFF PLAN DAMN YOU !!! The people who don’t live in those flats have every right to not be disturbed by zombie kids enjoying themselves in hot weather and splashing water! WATER!!!!!

Wincing

Just because I use those empty flats as a form of currency and make an already intolerable housing situation in London worse the people who would live in them if I let them out at extortionate prices that would make a cavalry horse wince are and would be bloody enraged! ENRAGED I TELL YOU!”

Fountains at 'the podium' 21 Wapping Lane (artists impression)

Fountains at ‘the podium’ 21 Wapping Lane (artists impression)

Our thanks to Brigadier-General Sir Arthur ‘Thumper” Knock-Once-If-Alive (Retd.) for his live reporting. Despite him having passed away last week.

More zombie child killer apocalypse updates as we get them. If we survive.

 

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