Community news and investigative journalism for Wapping E1W and Tower Hamlets London

Exclusive: Wapping Squirrels give their views on remaining in EU

By on June 22, 2016 in Comment, News

The result of the imminent referendum asking if we should either remain or leave the European Union could be decided by the views of the real experts – the Wapping Squirrels.

With only a day REMAINing until the referendum the LW Squirrel Politics Team (Rose Gardens Section) caught up with the Wapping Squirrels to seek their advice.

We started by asking one simple objective question: “Should we remain in the European Union or do the other thing that we can choose from but would be pretty daft to do?”

"I can eat nuts hanging upside down on a tree all day!"

“I can eat nuts hanging upside down on a tree all day!”

Despite being in the middle of the Wapping Summer Festival of Nuts, rumoured to last 365 days, the squirrels gave us their views in what remained of their time on this busy day of nut eating.

First up – Grey Paws.

Remaining dubious

“Well I am old enough to remember the other EU referendum we had years ago and the decision was to join. So what remains to be argued about?” he asked munching on the remaining nuts in his paws.

“I have to admit to remaining dubious about the motives for this referendum – I think it is more to do with the Prime Minister trying to keep his party remaining together than what is best for the people of the UK.”

Red Eyes, whose eyes were redder than usual after a late night nut picking party, juggled some monkey nuts in agreement.

“Yes Grey Paws I remain in agreement with your analysis. What else remains to be considered?”

“THE PRICE OF NUTS!”, the squirrels shouted as one.

Thin Tail woke up from his nut dream (about nuts) and twitched his tail in agreement.

Remaining worried

“Yes – the price of nuts is so important. I have seen no really good analysis of the potential harm or benefit to the European nut trade in any of the decent papers. I remain worried about this omission.”

There was much mumbling and squeaking about this lack of press coverage of nut prices. Thin Tail continued with his observations.

“The key issue with nut prices and the referendum is this. If we…oh…um…do that other thing or vote to remain in the EU, what will happen to the price of our monkey nuts?

“And hazelnuts!” cried Brown Paws.

“And macademia nuts!” said Red Eyes. “Will we get preferred nut purchasing status with the rest of the world if we do the opposite of voting remain? I doubt it somehow.”

Remaining in the nest

Murmurs of agreement could be heard from the Shadwell Squirrels who were visiting the Wapping Squirrels just for the purpose of debating the virtues of the In vote or… oh you know, whatsit type vote. Although allowed to comment and express their views the Shadwell Squirrels were not allowed to eat any of the Wapping Squirrels nuts while they remained in their host’s nest.

The Shadwell Squirrels were not likely to stay long.

squirrels-and-cats

Squirrel jumps on cat, other cat gets thumped. Nuts!

“Let’s check the Nut-O-Net and see what is happening to the nut prices,” suggested Bushy Brian from Shadwell.

Thin Tail started the Nut-O-Net and searched for nut price trends.

“Odd – I can’t find any reference to nut prices on the Nut-O-Net,” he said.

Brown Paws looked puzzled for a moment then realised their mistake.

“Of course! There are no nut prices on the Nut-O-Net because we squirrels never buy nuts do we! We get the humans to do it!”

squirrel-remainBoth Wapping and Shadwell Squirrels burst out laughing and slapped their paws on their other paws while hanging upside down from the roof of the nest in the traditional squirrel expression of extreme amusement.

Remaining levels of nuts

“Well that’s settled then,’ said Thin Tail. “We don’t have much financial clout in our own right despite the impact we have on the remaining levels of nut consumption in Wapping -“

“And Shadwell!” cried a voice from the back.

“And Shadwell of course. But I think to be on the safe side we should do our duty as squirrels and get out and vote to remain in Europe. After all, are we not better together than apart? We have so much more in common than we have differences.”

Silence descended upon the squirrels. Some were seen to weep at the still raw memory of a friend lost.

Then as one they jumped up in the air (or jumped down in the air if they were hanging from the roof when they started jumping) and roared in one voice so loud that it could be heard outside the nest.

“Remain! Remain! It would be nuts to leave!”

The matter was settled. The Shadwell Squirrels departed as they were now very peckish and knew there would be no nuts for them until Shadwell Basin.

The Wapping Squirrels began to dig up their postal votes, realised they had eaten them as the paper was quite nutty in taste, then went in search of a polling station.

A polling station full of nuts, naturally.

Vote to remain in EU. The Wapping Squirrels know it would be nuts not to.

Vote to remain in EU. The Wapping Squirrels know it would be nuts not to.


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