Love Wapping can exclusively reveal that the Department of Communities and Local Government (DCLG) has decided to ask the Wapping Squirrels to run Tower Hamlets Council.
This statement to the House of Commons by Communities Secretary Eric Pickles just in:
“After some thought my department has decided that only a group of small furry animals can resolve the current issues facing the London Borough of Tower Hamlets.
I have therefore asked the Wapping Squirrels to take over the running of Tower Hamlets Council.
This move will also reduce the cost of any further work by PwC as I am informed that squirrels work for peanuts.
And let’s face it, they can’t do a worse job than the current lot.”
Know Your Council
Press conference in tree
Immediately following this Commons Statement the Wapping Squirrels gave a press conference in a tree in Parliament Square. Love Wapping was excluded as none of our reporters are squirrels, but we have been given the following pool story in Q & A format by staffers from Nuts News, Nuts Are Nice magazine, Nuts Nuts Nuts Weekly and Nuts Now.
Q: Thin Tail the Squirrel, can you tell our readers in what way you are qualified to takeover the running of a London borough with a budget in excess of £1 billion?
A: Well like many others wild animals in the parks of Tower Hamlets we have been following recent events and we know we can do better. The Wapping Crows were interested but decided that the flight time to the Town Hall wasn’t worth the effort.
Q: So you are quite confident that the Wapping Squirrels have all the skills needed to run the Council in a proper and open fashion?
A: I think our Cabinet Member for Resources, Red Eyes the Squirrel, can best answer that one. Red Eyes?
A: Thanks Thin Tail. Yes I can assure residents that we have all the skills needed. Mainly this is an interest in nuts. In fact it is all we bring to the table.
Q: So to be clear Red Eyes you think a keen interest in nuts is sufficient?
A: Oh yes. Our strategy is simple, all Borough resources will be distributed according to the amount of nuts each Electoral Ward gives us. The more nuts residents give us the better services they get. Simples.
Q: Some would say that smacks of favouritism?
A: Yes they would and they would be quite right. In future no nuts means no Council services. We may even dig up roads and force all shops – except nut shops – to close in Wards who are not ‘Nut Aware’. We shall also be introducing Nut Time. We don’t know what that is as none of us owns a watch but it sounds interesting.
No previous experience
Q: Grey Paws the Squirrel, have you had any previous experience of running public sector organisations?
A: Not public sector organisations, no. We were asked to look after the Nut Shop in Wapping Lane for a couple of weeks while the owner went on holiday.
Q: And how did that work out?
A: We ate the shop.
Q: You ate the entire contents of the Wapping Lane Nut Shop?
A: Yes, then we ate the shop. The whole shop. It smelled of nuts and was quite tasty. As squirrels we are often asked to perform tasks that others will not or cannot carry out, and we believe in public service so always step in. As long as there are nuts of course.
Q: Can you tell our readers what other projects you have been involved in apart from the Nut Shop?
A: Yes, we once went on a week-long nuts picnic.
Q: No-one else wanted to go on a week-long nuts picnic?
A: Possibly, but we never told anyone else so we just went. We also were put in charge of an Acorn and Oak Tree Special Conservation Area. That was fun.
Sack the lot
Q: What do you think your working relationship with the newly elected Councillors will be like? Do you expect some tension?
A: No, we don’t expect any tension. None of the elected Councillors are squirrels so we are going to sack the lot. We work for peanuts, they don’t get much more but we just want to save as much money as possible.
Q: Tufty Tuft the Squirrel, can you tell us what other changes are you considering in Tower Hamlets?
A: Apart from more nuts? Well…. Better quality nuts. And possibly a wider range of nuts. And better tree branches throughout the Borough. Which will entail more trees. In fact we think this part of London would be much nicer if it was a forest. A big one. With lots of trees. Preferably nut trees. Oh and we are going to sack all Tower Hamlets employees.
Q: Sack all Tower Hamlets employees? As well as sacking all the Councillors? How will the Borough run?
A: Much better.
Production Credits: Additional reporting by Nut-O-Vision Cable News. A Nutty Net Network Production in association with Mmmmm….. nuts! The Nut Spread For Chips!